Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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