The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
