It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
being pregnant is like rehab
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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