Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
