his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
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Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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