My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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