you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
