Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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