I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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