Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
