she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
