when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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