is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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