I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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