I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
