I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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