suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
