Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
