Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
