I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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