Your face is a jimmy john
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
