So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
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she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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