I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
