You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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