somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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