just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
