proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving