Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.