Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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