The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
