He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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