Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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