Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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