just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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