Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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