I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
