I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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