Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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