so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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