Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
