I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
