he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
