I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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