Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
