Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
