Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
