Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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