I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
