piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
