How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
