a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
