This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
