Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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