i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
