i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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