apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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